Negotiating for a family member

2025/03/03

Have you ever been to a hospital with your family member？Today I’m writing my story about negotiating for my family.

I live with my mother, a 95-year-old woman. She is forgetful and walks a little unsteadily but needs a hearing aid and my help for her daily life. She looks forward to going to day care three times a week.

One morning, I said “Good morning” to my mom and found big bruises on her elbows. I asked her what happened to her. She said that she fell in the bathroom in the middle of the night and stood up holding onto toilet. Then she pointed and complained about a pain on her right foot. I saw big bruises on the top and sole of her right foot. She had pain but she continued to walk around. I thought that would be a bruise. But in one week, she still complained of pain in her right foot. Then I took her to an orthopedic clinic in our neighborhood.

A doctor in-charge of my mom was a middle-aged man. Coincidentally, he was a resident in the condo where I and my mom lived in. He looked calm and my mom felt comfortable with him. I explained him that my mom fell in the bathroom a week ago. She got bruises on her elbows and on her right foot. Her elbows were getting better. But she’s been complaining about the pain in her right foot. The doctor listened to my us about what happened to her, examined her right foot and ordered an x-ray of it. A nurse transferred my mom to a wheel chair and took her to the x-ray room.

Next my mom was diagnosed. The doctor said “It’s a light fracture. I want to stabilize her foot over the ankle”, pointing on the distal toe on the x-ray.

I was shocked with her diagnosis and treatment plan. My foot was broken when I was young. I got casted up to my knee for 2 months. It was hard for me to walk. I imagined that if my mom got casted over her ankle, she would hardly stand up and sit down. She would walk more unsteadily. I couldn’t imagine my mom walking steadily and safely.

Then, I asked the doctor if my mom can walk safely if she got casted. He said that his clients walk casted wearing a sandal.

I decided to appeal to the doctor as my mom’s guardian. I breathed in and started talking politely and clearly. “Doctor, I also had my right foot broken before. It was hard to walk. When it come to my mom, she already walks unsteadily. She has already fallen and hit her arms and face. Her bruises made her look like Rocky after a fight. I am worried if she could walk steadily with casted ankle.”

The doctor answered to me immediately but confidently. “She should be hospitalized.”

He seemed to mean that we had no choice than hospitalization.

At that moment, I was sure that his idea was no good.

Three years ago, my mom was hospitalized because of a high fever. It was a totally different and abnormal space for her. She got confused and disoriented. It often happens to very old people. It also causes different physical and mental situations to very old people. It took a month for her to go back home and took a few months more to go back to her normal life.

If she was hospitalized again, we would experience the same thing.

If she was hospitalized, I couldn’t imagine her getting better and living her normal life.

Her hospitalization could disrupt my mom’s life and my life.

I should definitely disagree with her hospitalization.

Facing to the doctor, I clearly and politely said, “I can’t imagine my mom being hospitalized.” I appealed what I meant but I didn’t know what to do next. I was at my wits’ end. I felt my heart beating. I talked to myself, “Calm down. Calm down. Look for a way to stop her from being hospitalized.” I constantly searched for a method to stabilize her foot. She could walk steadily and live a normal life.

Suddenly it hit me “How about stabilizing her foot with a simple metal bar and bandages? She could wear her shoe with the bandage then walk steadily enough.”

I know there was no guarantee but I bravely shared my idea. I started talking as politely as I could.

“Could you put a metal bar on my mom’s foot and bandage? This way she can wear her shoes and walk steadily enough.” I nervously looked at him but he was looking down with his arms crossed over his chest. He was thinking thoughtfully for a while.

Then he looked up and ordered the nurse to get a metal bar and bandages.

Then the doctor and the nurse placed the metal bar and bandaged my mom’s foot. I am glad the doctor considered my idea but I wasn’t sure it will work.

I nervously checked what was going on. The nurse helped my mom wear her socks. Then the doctor ordered my mom to sit up.

My mom looked at everyone and sat up. She slowly wore her shoes, stood up and started walking slowly. She took four steps and stopped. She said to the doctor with a big smile, “It doesn’t hurt at all.”

Next, the doctor told me to come back 3 times a week so he can check and change the bandage.　He seemed calm, not uncomfortable.

I smiled and said, “Yes, of course.”

My mom moved her head from side to side between me and the doctor.

In a few weeks, the doctor finally said that my mom has fully recovered. He removed the bandage and smiled at my mom.

In our last visit, the nurse who assisted my mom said, “Etsuko, you stuck it out and won!!”

I was glad she admired my courage. I smiled humbly and said that the doctor listened to us. “He is a good doctor.”